For the person out there today who feels like they just can’t do it anymore–For the person who is under so much pressure and stress, they feel like every second, another part of them is crumbling– For the person who is tired, weak, and sees no light at the end of the tunnel, read on…
I’ve been under a lot of pressure and stress the past few weeks. It seems like when it rains, it always pours. Between some bad circumstances, a sick familia, a 21 credit hour semester, and constantly something that needs to be done, today I finally hit the wall…hard. I couldn’t do it anymore and frankly, didn’t want to do it anymore. I am a strong person but do you ever get tired of being strong? My stress placed upon me a terrible migraine and I came home and went to bed at 3pm. I was 17 again it seemed and just wanted to go to sleep to make it all go away. Somewhere between the corner of self-pity and depressed, the devil decided it would be a great time to attack. It’s always how it happens. When you are at your weakest, never say it can’t get worse, because it can. So as I was in desperate need of an eye patch over my left eye and a vacation by myself far, far, away, the devil decided to make the little in my life that was going right, go wrong. Feeling like I was going so crazy that I was about to crawl out of my own skin, I got mad. I got really mad. I am a real nice person and it takes a lot to piss me off, but once I am …. She gone.
So, what did loathing in my self-pity and getting real pissed do for me? Well, my body likes to deal with high levels of stress physically so added to my migraine, I felt like I was going to toss my cookies, on top of a lovely, and sharp chest pain. Then I realized, “devil, you have been attacking me the past month, and today, I let you win. I let you have it all. I let you steal my joy, I let you piss me off enough to piss other people off because I have such a bad attitude, I let you steal me, and now, I want it back.”
See, a few weeks ago, God really spoke to me. I felt like something big was about to happen in my life, like a big piece of the puzzle was going to reveal itself to me. After joyously sharing with my family what God had given me a glimpse of is when this all started. I almost wonder sometimes if God gave me a glimpse of what I’ve been praying for the past 8 years and telling Him I am ready for, but then saw how I dealt with my lowest of the lows the past few weeks. It’s all about character and trusting in God, and my head was so far up in the clouds, I failed. How can God trust me with what He has for me, if I fail to trust Him because more than one bad thing was happening? Oh yeah, it’s easy to trust God when one bad thing happens, but what about when life is hanging by a thread? How are we supposed to allow God to bless us, if in the times we need to prove our faithfulness to Him the most through trusting in Him, we can’t even do that?
See…I believe that God is good. I believe that crappy things happen sometimes. I believe that there are low valleys that are filled with shadows of death. I believe that God blesses the faithful. I believe that we show our faithfulness to God the most when it is the hardest to trust Him but do so anyways. I believe that God and God alone is the giver of rest, and remembrance. I believe in a God of restoration and a God that wants to bless his children. I believe that when we fail to trust God because our hearts are so broken, is when we break God’s heart the most. So I know life sucks sometimes. Trust me, I may look bubbly, blonde, and happy, but life freaking isn’t fair all of the time and I know it to be true all too well. But God didn’t call us to whine about how bad things are. God called on us to trust in Him, to put our faith, and our hope in Him, that he has a plan, and that His will shall be done. Even when we are crying out to Him in desperation in our bathroom screaming “Why God?!” at the top of our lungs, that is the moment we have to believe that He IS good and He does have a plan.
“There will be a light that is coming for the heart that holds on, and there will be an end to these troubles but until that day comes… STILL I WILL PRAISE YOU. STILL I WILL PRAISE YOU!” Let that be our proclamation in times of trouble.